The Devil in My Head:

An Up-close Look at a Teen's Battle With Anorexia

I've suffered from anorexia for nearly five years. I've been in treatment, this time, for four weeks and am just now starting to understand what the disease has done to me. I have these two voices in my head - one says "please eat" the other screams at me "you don't need food - don't eat." Its only in the past couple weeks that I've even accepted that I might be sick and that there might be a way for me to get well.

Intellectually, I know that I have a serious problem, however, the person looking out at me when I look into the mirror is overweight and ugly. Right now, I weigh 75 pounds - I still feel like I'm fat.

I think that this condition is a means for something else to show itself. I think its my body's way of trying to die because I have failed to be perfect. I want to help everyone all the time and I just can't. Therefore, I don't deserve - or even want - to live anymore. At least this way I have control over how I die.

Anorexia is very powerful. It's my only friend even though it has destroyed my life. I can convince myself that I'm okay - as long as I can keep going to school, or walk down the sidewalk, I'm okay - there's nothing wrong.

Anorexia is a thief. It has robbed me of friends, time, a life, and my spirit. I no longer know who I am. I am controlled by the voices in my head fighting over whether or not to eat. The hunger is so strong that it overrides all my other feelings and desires. I no longer have feelings other than hunger and guilt. I feel so bad for making my parents feel so bad.

The thing is, even after being in treatment and starting to realize that I have a problem, I'm so afraid of gaining weight, I'd rather stay anorexic. I think some parts of me want to get better, but too much of me doesn't.

I don't know what people could do to help. I think that if teachers and friends just constantly tell you how important you are and praise you for good work that maybe that would help. Especially in the beginning, I think if someone had noticed me and said positive things or even complimented me on a paper or what I was wearing that it may have made a difference. Low self esteem is common among anorexics - anything to help that can only be good for everyone.

Contributed by: Colleen Stuart

This document was last updated 8/13/97 by Chandra Hawley.
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